Count On Me
by ER Poptart
Summary: Abby’s life is in turmoil as she faces her toughest challenge ever. But Susan is by her side every step of the way.
1. Girls Night

Disclaimer: Not mine … never will be!

Summary: Abby's life is in turmoil as she faces her toughest challenge ever. But Susan is by her side every step of the way. 

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Abby pulled the screwed up ball of paper out of her jacket pocket. No matter how many times she read it the words never changed. It was over, her relationship with Carter had failed at the latest hurdle set before them. The roof of the hospital offering her peace from the mayhem of the ER as the world carried on without her. 

Tearing the litter into small pieces, taking a deep breath she threw the remains of her broken relationship into the wind watching with quiet mourning as they became caught in the slight wind and eventually fell to the busy Chicago streets below. 

The shrill beeping of her pager ripping through the calm night air accompanied with a trail of flashing lights making their way to the hospital alerted Abby to a major trauma. Composing herself she decided breaking down could wait until later, right now she had to get back down into the ER. Even though her life was on pause everyone else's was carrying on around her bringing with it tragedy that required her help. 

For the rest of her shift Abby lost herself in work finding comfort in the fact that while she couldn't fix her own life she could help other people to keep a hold on theirs. As the end of her shift drew closer a feeling of dread crept in, until today she'd been able to convince herself that with time and space things would work out but now the reality was hitting home as hard as they'd tried the relationship was over. Abby felt herself falling into the unknown as she clocked out and made her way to the lounge. 

Another night in her empty apartment was all she could see of the future. Slamming her locker shut she slumped down onto the sofa relieved to have the lounge to herself. Sighing heavily Abby closed her eyes trying to find the energy to get up and prepare for another day … another day without him. 

Lost in her own flooding emotions she was oblivious to another presence in the lounge. 

"Long shift?" Susan questioned as she studied Abby's pale complexion and tired expression. 

"Not long enough" Abby answered the friendly voice, her eyes still closed.

"If you fall asleep now you'll never get home before your next shift" Susan joked. 

"Maybe that's not such a bad thing" Abby contemplated sitting up and opening her eyes, momentarily dazed by the bright surroundings. 

Taking a moment to study her friend closely Susan couldn't help but feel the need to reach out. Abby looked so defeated something she rarely saw even when things really piled up against her. She'd read the letter from Carter along with practically every other member of staff working today. 

"I have Ben and Jerry waiting at home for me but it's not as fun on your own. You up for a good old fashioned girls night in, we can eat more ice cream than the human body allows, watch trash TV and put the world to rights" Susan asked in a not so subtle attempt to offer Abby a shoulder. 

Weighing up the possibilities, a night in alone with nothing but memories or a girls night in at Susan's with the only two reliable men in her life Ben and Jerry, Abby decided that latter was certainly more appealing even if she wouldn't be the best of company. But judging by Susan's soft expression Abby was pretty sure she'd already worked that out and tonight was more for Abby's benefit than her own. 

"Sure why not" Abby replied attempting to inject some enthusiasm into her tone. 

"I've just got to give this chart to Pratt then I'm all yours" Susan informed her, taking her purse and coat from her locker and replacing them with her lab coat. 

Watching the door swing shut announcing Susan's departure, Abby stood from the couch momentarily losing her balance as a light-headed feeling overcame her. Choosing to ignore it's real meaning she put it down to moving too fast sighing she left the lounge to meet Susan. 

***

"Hart's War" Susan asked. 

"God no too depressing" Abby said with a smile, tonight was turning out to be exactly what she needed after a day straight from her nightmares. 

"Legally Blonde"

"Just shoot me now" Abby laughed. 

"Ok how about" she trailed off looking through her DVD collection "A ha Oceans 11" she said triumphantly. 

"Brad Pitt, George Clooney … I could think of worse ways to spend an evening" Abby said as Susan took that as a yes, placing the DVD in the machine before disappearing into the kitchen returning a few moments later with two tubs of ice cream and two spoons. 

"Now this I could get used to" Susan sighed plumping down into the sofa next to Abby, propping her feet up onto the coffee table as the film began. 

Two cartoons of ice cream and a casino heist later both women were fighting the fatigue that came with working in a busy ER. 

"Mmmm" Susan sighed "They don't make men like that around here" 

"Maybe were just looking in all the wrong places" Abby reasoned stifling back a yawn.

"And where do you suggest we look, I'm pretty sure men like that only exist on the silver screen" Susan contemplated looking slightly disappointed. 

"We could always try Hollywood, you up for a road trip" Abby joked. 

"Maybe next week" Susan said thankful that Abby seemed a lot brighter. 

"Well I better be off" 

"Nonsense I have a perfectly good spare bed, it's too late to bother with going home" Susan argued getting up to throw the empty ice cream containers in the bin, returning with spare bedding before Abby had a chance to protest. 

"Thanks" Abby said too tired to argue "For everything" 

"No problem, that's what friends are for" she smiled "Urgh a sound like a cheesy greeting card"

Susan left to make the guest bed up. Abby remained on the couch fighting the urge to fall asleep where she was. Suddenly overcome with nausea she rushed in the direction of the bathroom making it to the toilet just in time. 

"Abby … are you ok" Susan asked knocking on the door. 

Abby was bent over the toilet her knuckles white as she held onto the toilet as the sickness became more severe. 

After emptying her stomach several times, Abby leant back against the cool surface of Susan's bath. Suddenly realisation was dawning she could no longer hide in the shadows of denial that had been keeping her safe from the truth. 

The first pregnancy test hadn't been a mistake, neither had the second or the third. She was pregnant with Carter's child. While he was off 'finding himself' in Africa she was stuck in Chicago pregnant, single and terrified. 

"Abby I'm coming in" Susan said beginning to get worried, the sounds of Abby throwing up the carton of ice cream was now replaced with an eerie silence. 

Susan was shocked by the sight that greeted her. Abby was leant against her bath tub knees pulled closely to her chest. Her hands were white and shaking. Leaving the door open she returned with a glass of water. 

"Rinse and spit" she encourage Abby's hair was plastered to her face with perspiration, removing the bobble from around her wrist she tied it back away from her face. Taking the glass from Abby she placed it beside her pulling Abby's shaking body into her embrace gently rubbing her back in an attempt to calm her down. 

"'m sorry" Abby whimpered barely audible. 

"Can you stand"

After a slow nod from Abby Susan helped her too her feet, supporting most of her weight as she helped her to the guest room. Abby curled up on the bed as her stomach finally began to settle. 

"Thanks" she whispered succumbing to sleep. Waiting until she was sure Abby was ok Susan retired to her own bed. 

***

Susan awoke to the same sound that had been in her mind as she drifted into a light sleep, she could hear Abby in the bathroom vomiting what little was left in her stomach after last night. Putting on her dressing gown as the cold morning air sent a chill through her body she made her way to the bathroom, where she found Abby hunched over the toilet dry retching; her stomach obviously empty. 

Kneeling down beside her she pulled her hair back out of her face, rubbing her back in circular motions just like last night. As the need to throw up the lining of her stomach began to lessen Abby flushed the chain throwing a silent thank-you in Susan's direction. 

Susan followed a pale looking Abby to the couch. Sitting down beside her she pulled her feet under her and turned to face her friend. 

"How long have you know?" straight to the point, no need to dance around the truth when it was staring her in the face. 

"For sure a week" Abby said with a sigh "I've suspected for about 3"

"Have you told Carter?"

"No" blunt but true. 

"Why?" If they carried on answering with just one word this conversation would still be going on when Abby went into labour. 

"I guess I just didn't want to tell him via telephone or letter" she said the irony of the latter not lost on Susan. 

"But Abby no-one knows when he's coming back" Susan reminded her. 

"I know that but it's my decision" she spat a little harsher than she had intended but having spent the last 20 minutes bringing up the entire contents of her stomach she wasn't really in the mood for pleasantries. 

"I'm not saying it isn't I just think he needs to know" Susan tried to reason although after Carter's sudden 

uncharacteristic actions she didn't even know why she was bothering to fight his corner. 

"Well at the moment I need for him not to know, I don't even know what this means myself … please?" Abby begged. 

Susan could tell by the desperation in Abby's voice that she barely hanging on. She didn't want to add to her stress. 

"I'm not going to tell him but when he does return he has a right to know" She compromised. 

"I know that and when I see him next I'll tell him" Abby sighed leaning into the couch. 

Susan watched as Abby fought to hide back the tears, despite everything they'd been through and the close relationship formed it amazed her that Abby was still ashamed to show her vulnerable side. Susan left the sofa to get ready for work, shortly after Abby followed suit, changing into a top of Susan's under her uniform. 

"Are you sure you're ok to go into work" Susan asked concerned about how pale and exhausted Abby was looking. 

"I'm pregnant not sick" Abby reminded her stopping mid step. 

"What" 

"It's just that's the first time I said that out loud, I thought it would sound strange but it sounded right, like something was finally going the way it was meant to" Abby admitted, wondering that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all, sure she was single and terrified that any child of hers could end up bi-polar but an elderly patient once told her that to be happy in life you had to take risks. Maybe this was a risk she was willing to take after all. With or without Carter. 


	2. Auntie Susan

Nothing was the same anymore, Abby had to think twice about everything she did, suddenly it wasn't just her life that depended on every decision she made. A part of her felt cheated that the decision to stop smoking and stay sober was taken out of her hands at a time when the temptation to slip back into old habits was greater than ever before. Her hand physically ached to hold something stronger than the decaffeinated coffee that had become her only fuel over the past month. 

Then the nausea kicked in almost as if her body was fighting a battle of wills with her mind. Her stomach wouldn't even allow her to keep anything down for more than 10 minutes. Everything made her sick to her stomach. The bathroom had become a second home in the last few weeks. It's true what they say … morning sickness really is a bitch. 

The flashing light on her answering machine alerted her to 2 new messages pressing play she headed into the kitchen hoping to find something, anything to help get rid of her headache. 

"Abby it's Eric just to let you know everything's ok, sorry we didn't get your call but we were out in the garden, oh and mum says she'll ring tomorrow" 

At least I don't have to chase around after them Abby thought to herself as she listened to the message. Eric sounded in control of things and so was Maggie by the sounds of it. 

"Abby it's Susan, Kerry said you phoned in sick again. It's been 3 days so I'll be over about 8 after my shift just to check your okay and maybe we can have another girls night in"

Glancing up at the clock in the kitchen she realised it was already 7:40. Then the nausea returned again unsure whether or not she could make it to the bathroom Abby threw up the painkillers she'd taken into the kitchen sink. Stopping to steady herself before removing all traces. 'Great I can't even take painkillers now' she groaned to herself as she went to get dressed. Susan would be here any minute. 

Getting dressed quickly only seemed to add to the constant feeling of nausea that had been plaguing her for the last two weeks. Abby couldn't help but panic that it was her body's way of telling her she wasn't ready to be a mother, especially a single mother. 

Laying down on her bed for a few minutes certain that there was nothing left in her stomach to throw up Abby considered trying to get in touch with Carter. Susan was right he deserved to know, but she hadn't heard from him since the 'Dear Abby' letter so he obviously wasn't thinking about her or concerned with getting in touch with her. 

After all he was a good looking, intelligent, king guy he could have any girl he wanted. Recently she wondered more than ever why he even wanted to be with her in the first place when he could have his pick of baggage free leggy blondes. All she ever did was bring him misery, and a truckload of extra emotional responsibilities. 

The severe self doubt seemed to be another symptom of pregnancy, one they didn't warn you about in all the books and magazines. She'd always doubted whether or not she had what it took to be a mother, would her addiction screw up her child's life, would her children be bi-polar but deep down she wanted it some day. 

When she fell pregnant while with Richard everything was such a mess, he was cheating on her, her mother was on and off her meds with more regularity than a light switch and as hard as she tried she didn't love him anymore … she couldn't bring a child into that. This time something felt different, even though she was single and her mother or brother could still go off their meds at anytime something about being pregnant felt right. Like a part of the jumbled jigsaw puzzle that was her life was finally fitting into place. 

She had a stable job, a home, she was sober and she wanted it. She wanted the morning sickness, weird cravings, sleepless nights … she wanted to be a mother. 

"Abby? …. Abby?" She heard Susan yell as she woke … when had she fallen asleep?

Yawning Abby made her way to let Susan in, she ached all over and just wanted to sleep for the rest of her pregnancy but Susan had been a great support and whether she would openly admit it or not Abby was grateful for her friendship and company. 

Abby opened the door to a heavily wrapped up Susan. 

"Cold outside?" she asked letting her in. 

"You could say that … thanks for taking 5 minutes to let me in" Susan half joked. 

"Sorry I was sleeping" Abby explained.

"That's ok" She said taking in Abby's dishevelled appearance, her cheeks were flushed and she definitely had the just got out of bed look down to an art. "God you look awful"

"Gee thanks, it's great too see you too" Abby scoffed as she led Susan to the couch, checking to make sure the heating was on. 

"You know what I mean … how are you, I was worried when you called in sick for the third day in a row" she admitted. 

"Yeah that would be the never ending morning sickness"

"Ahhh" Susan started "I've heard that can be a bitch"

"Urgh I never did understand why they call it morning sickness, when it's all day long" Abby moaned. 

Susan couldn't help but let out a small chuckle at Abby's irritation "But other than that … how are you?"

"Tired, but apart from that good. I've got my first OB appointment next week" she informed her. 

"Wow" Susan breathed "What day?"

"Friday … 2:30" 

"I'm on the graveyard shift the night before, so all I had planned was sleep … if you want some company" Susan asked. 

"You don't have to do that, you'll be knackered" although not wanting to go on her own Abby didn't want to put her out any more than she already had. 

"I want to come … please" Susan sang flashing her a cheeky grin. 

"Oh well if you want to come that badly … thanks" 

"Oooo it's going to be so great I saw the cutest baby clothes while shopping the other day" she gushed. 

"Oh yeah and where exactly where you shopping" Abby asked with a grin. 

"Mothercare" Susan admitted blushing "I was passing and I just couldn't resist going in"

"And …" Abby asked knowing there was more. 

"Buying one or two little items … in my defence they were in the sale. 

"You do realise I'm only 11 weeks pregnant, being a doctor and everything you should know that means 6 months at least till there's anyone to wear them" Abby reminded her although if she was honest it helped that Susan was so involved … she didn't feel like she was going through the pregnancy alone. 

"I know, I know it's just they were calling out to me" 

"What where they doing? Singing buy me while dancing into your basket" Abby joked, Susan's optimism was certainly catching watching her friends face light up at the prospect of becoming an 'aunt' she couldn't help but want to drag herself out on shopping trip and go all girly over baby clothes with her. 

"Something like that … they had some pretty cool maternity clothes too, none of that frilly, flowery stuff" she informed Abby. 

"Your time will come" Abby reassured her seeing the longing look on her face. 

"Yeah" Susan sighed. 

"That's not a threat. It's a promise" Abby laughed. 

"Thanks … so how about we get the girls night in underway" she asked handing a selection of DVD's to Abby. 

"As long as there's no ice cream this time … dairy products is big no at the moment" 

"How about chips and dip" Susan asked once again digging into her survival bag … everything needed for a night in and more, she'd brought with her. 

"I can probably manage that" 

Smiling she took the DVD's from Abby "Great … and it's my film choice"

"Oh god" Abby moaned in a mocking tone. 

"Are you saying there's something wrong with my taste in films" Susan asked trying to look hurt. 

"Of course not … if I was a 12 year old girl" Abby joked earning her a light-hearted slap. 

"Ok so tonight we're watching …. 'Daddy Day Care' ok" Susan proudly announced. 

"Daddy Day Care?" Abby echoes a hint of amusement in her voice. 

"What it's a comedy no tragic deaths, no girl meets boy then loses boy" she explains "It's perfect for a fun night in"

"Sure and after we can braid each others hair and make prank phone calls" Abby joked. 

"I'm not sure about the hair thing but prank phone calls could be a giggle" Susan answered humouring Abby. Who just rolled her eyes snuggling down into the sofa as Susan puts the film in. 

***

Halfway through the film the soft snoring coming from beside her alerted Susan to the fact Abby had fallen asleep. Pulling the throw off the back of the couch she put it over her and returned to watching the film. 

The ringing of Abby's phone broke her out of her half asleep state as she realised the credits were rolling and she'd missed the end of the film. Leaving the machine to get it Susan carried onto the bin with an armful of empty packets. 

"Abby it's me" … Carter, should she wake Abby, answer it or just let the machine get it. 

"Well you're probably working … it doesn't matter anyway" then the line went dead. Probably for the best. Abby might not be to happy if Susan answered her phone and waking her wasn't the best idea cranky pregnant women and exes who dumped them via a letter could only mean adding to an already complicated situation. 

Susan couldn't help but feel angry with Carter in all the time she'd known him she never expected he'd be the type to dump someone by letter especially someone who he'd been in love with for so long and was contemplating proposing too. She knew it wasn't all black and white and that they'd both added to the collapse of their relationship but no matter how hard Abby had tried to hide it Susan could see just how much the letter had broken her. And the fact Carter had been so insensitive annoyed her. 

And now with baby making three, things were even more complicated. 


	3. Just to hear your heartbeat

Abby listened to the message over and over again. She'd memorised it after the first 3 times but now she just needed to hear his voice, know he was ok and not injured, her sleep was plagued with nightmares that the next time she saw him he'd be arriving at County on a gurney or worse … she'd never see him again. 

"Message deleted" came the mechanical voice. Time to move on, Carter's in the past. I have to move on for the sake of my … our baby she told herself as she headed to the bedroom to get ready for her first OB appointment. 

Pulling on her jeans she couldn't resist stopping in front the mirror pushing out her still flat stomach so it was slightly rounded she'd seen the miracles and tragedies of childbirth working as an OB nurse, the double edged sword of life and death never far away but she'd never experienced the joys of pregnancy, last time it had been a nightmare never an experience this time she wanted to remember everything … even the morning sickness. 

Pulling out the baby book that she couldn't resist while shopping with Susan yesterday from under her pillow the brightly coloured cover with a stork had captured her in a trance, now she knew what Susan meant when she said she couldn't resist buying baby items. Turning the pages she longed to fill them with pictures and memories of her child's life. 

Placing it back under the pillow on the side of the bed he would sleep whenever he stayed which for a while had been near enough a permanent arrangement the longing to have him by her side every chapter of her pregnancy set in. Instead he was in Africa somewhere not even aware he was going to be a father. She wasn't even sure how to contact him, they hadn't departed on the best of terms. 

She had a few hours to go yet but she was meeting Susan from work, with the promise of lunch, although knowing Susan she had the whole afternoon planned and the majority of it probably involve shopping for baby clothes and accessories. 

***

Abby entered the hospital the same time as am ambulance was pulling up. With everyone busy she managed to avoid 20 questions and headed straight to the lounge to wait for Susan. Pleased to find it empty she sat on the couch scanning the various magazines littering the table. Bold pink writing on one cover caught her eye 'Healthy eating and pregnancy'. 

Why not I might as well get all the advice I can she thought to herself as she flipped to the right page. The 4 magazines Susan had brought with her yesterday lay already read on her kitchen table. The excitement that came with this pregnancy never failed to amaze her, the way she found herself getting teary eyes at any commercials with babies in them or how watching a stressed mother trying to calm down her crying infant in the tinned food aisle while shopping fascinated her. 

She was all of a sudden looking at everything a different way, she was no longer watching a scene with cynical thoughts plaguing her mind but a longing to be a part of them. 

"Great" she heard Luka mutter the thick accent alerting her to who had just entered without needing to look up. 

"Bad shift" she asked throwing the finished with mag down beside her. Not realising it was still open on the page she'd been reading. 

"No more so than usual" he sighed. 

"So that distinctive aroma is your new aftershave then?" she joked. 

"No that would be a 5 year old who thought eating dog food would be a good idea" 

"Ahh rather you than me" Abby said the smell coming from Luka's shirt beginning to make her feel queasy. 

"You ok? You look pale?" Luka asked as the colour drained from Abby's face. Before she had a chance to reply she found herself unable to control the queasy feeling. The sink in the lounge looking safer than attempting to make it to the ladies. 

Luka watched as Abby bolted up from the sofa and rushed to the sink before chucking up "Well that answers my question" he muttered to no-one in particular.

Abby washed the sink out embarrassed at having an audience, Susan knowing was one thing but Luka as well, she wasn't sure she was ready for that. 

"Sorry I got held up" Susan said as she entered the lounge almost knocking into Luka. "You ok" she said as she caught sight of Abby leaning shakily against the sink. 

"Yeah just can't seem to shake this stomach bug off" she covered not wanting Luka to put two and two together and come up with four. 

"In that case I'll just grab my coat and we'll be off" 

"Going anywhere nice" Luka asked in an attempt to break the somewhat uncomfortable atmosphere.

"Lunch, then shopping" Susan replied putting her coat on. 

"Can you sign off on this chart before you go?"

"Sure" Susan breathed taking the chart off him. Giving him a strange look when she noticed it was already signed. 

"There's something I've got to do. I'll meet you outside" Abby excused herself; the lingering smell was making her want to chuck up … again. 

"I won't be a minute" Luka watched as Susan waited for Abby to leave before turning to him. "What was that really about? This chart doesn't need signing"

"I know, I just wondered what you were doing tonight?"

"Are you asking me out?" Susan almost shrieked, caught off guard. 

"That depends" Luka whispered blushing. 

"On what?"

"Whether or not you're saying yes"

"Well in that case … you're asking me out" Susan told him with a smile. 

"I'll pick you up at 8" Luka answered unable to resist a pleased grin. He'd been trying to gather his courage to ask her out for over a week. 

"I look forward too it … I better go. Abby's waiting"

"About Abby" Luka stopped unsure whether or not it was his place. 

"What about Abby?" Susan asked nervously, worried that Luka might still harbour feelings towards his ex. 

"I know it's not really any of my business but is she pregnant?" He asked mumbling slightly. 

"How did you …" 

"She was reading an article when I can in and then the sickness. So she is"

"Yeah, but she doesn't want everyone knowing yet. You know how gossip can spread round here" Susan said subconsciously checking that no-one was hanging around outside. 

"I won't say anything. Does Carter know?" 

"No he had already gone back to Africa when she found out and to be perfectly honest I'm not sure she's even that bothered about telling him after that letter" Susan said probably telling Luka more than she should but there was something about him since his return from Africa that made her certain she could trust him. 

"Oh" Luka sighed not sure what else he could say. 

"I better go. I'm going with Abby to her first scan. See you tonight" Susan grinned. 

"I hope everything goes well for her" Luka said returning Susan's smile. 

"And I look forward to tonight" he added as Susan left. 

***

Abby sat on the bench outside waiting for Susan. The fresh air helping to ease the feeling of nausea that had come on in the lounge. 

"You look like you just got lucky behind the bike sheds" she said as Susan arrived spotting an ear to ear grin. 

"I have a date" she proudly announced. 

"With who? Or need I ask?" Abby replied with a sneaking suspicion as to who it was already. 

"Well, he's tall, dark …"

"You have a date with Jerry … Go Girl!" she teased. 

"Ha ha and he's European" she added.

"About time too" Abby told her with an exaggerated sigh. 

"What's that supposed to mean" Susan enquired light-heartedly. 

"Just that it's about time you got some action in that department, maybe then you won't be so interested in my love life, although at the moment that should be lack of love life"

"True … now lets hit the shops, I need something to wear" Susan sang linking arms with Abby. 

"Well if I'm shopping for clothes with you I'm going to need to build my strength up first" 

"Lunch it is, to be safe maybe we should leaving shopping till after your appointment because we'll probably lose track of time" Susan offered. 

"You mean you will" Abby joked "But that sounds like a plan" 

***

"Are you sure you're only eating for two?" Susan asked as Abby finished her meal. 

"Well I hope so"

"Thought of any names yet?" Susan asked. 

"It's a bit early for that … I don't even know whether it's going to be a girl or boy yet" Abby laughed. 

"What would you rather" Susan enquired. 

"I know it sounds clichéd but I really don't mind either way, as long as it sleeps and doesn't cry too much" she joked. 

"You'll be lucky, surely you have some names floating around in that head of yours" 

"Maybe" Abby teased. 

"Well …" 

"For a boy I like Ethan, Connor and Joshua. With John as the middle name, maybe, depends how things are on that front" 

"And for a girl .." 

"Emily, Amanda and Isabelle" Abby provided. 

"Ahh they're all such cute names, but I know you meant to add that the middle name would be Susan if it was a girl, right!" she added. 

"Of course I did" she smiled "We better pay and get going … I didn't realise the time"

"Wow 'worry mum syndrome' has kicked in real early with you" Susan teased "Chill, we've got plenty of time" 

"I know I just don't want to be late" Abby informed her. 

"And we won't be"

***

Susan follows a nervous looking Abby into the exam room. As excited as she was to be sharing this with her close friend she can't help mentally cursing Carter for not being here, instead choosing to be off 'finding himself' in a war zone. 

The doctor sat going through the motions asking the normal questions, although having spent time as an OB nurse Abby knew the answers were nothing to be concerned about and just wanted to skip ahead to the scan. 

"Let's take a look then" the short but bubbly doctor announced. Abby couldn't help but smile. 

"So you're just over 12 weeks?" she asks placing the cold gel on Abby's still flat stomach. 

"Yeah" Abby mumbled her eyes already transfixed on the screen even though there was nothing there yet. 

"Here we go then" she said sliding the transducer over Abby's exposed stomach trying to find the best position to get a good look. 

Abby's gaze soon turned to the doctor who was taking notes. 

"Everything looks good, it's the right size, right place" she informed a teary eyed Abby as she directed her gaze to as fuzzy image on the screen. 

"Now lets hear the heartbeat" she said with a smile. 

As the sound of her unborn child's heart beating began to fill the room, the unshed tears fell freely as both Susan and Abby stood transfixed watching the image on the screen. 

"I'll just print the image then I'll leave you alone for a few minutes" she said, proceeding to print two images before handing them to Abby and leaving the two women alone. 

"I wish Carter could be here" Abby whispered barely audible. 

"You could always contact him" Susan told her. 

"I could but I want him to come back because he wants to, not because he feels he has to" Abby said the tears still falling. 

"But if I he knew about the baby he'd want to come back, not because he feels it's the right thing to do but because he wanted to be here for the pregnancy … for you"

"I wouldn't know that for sure though and I'd always be wondering if I pushed him in to doing something he didn't want to, I don't want that guilt hanging over me"

"Abby you have nothing to feel guilty about" Susan said taking her hand. 

"Anyway I can't worry about that now I have so many more important things to think about, like my child" she choked turning her gaze back to the black and white image "And shopping not to mention helping you shop for the big date tonight" She joked with a bittersweet feeling she couldn't believe that the time had come already when Carter wasn't an important part of her every day life. 

***

A little note: I have this story planned out and have decided on the baby's sex but can't chose between the 3 names mentioned for that sex (I don't want to give the sex away yet) so if you like a certain one either for a girl or boy out of:

Ethan

Joshua

Connor

Amanda

Emily

Isabelle

Let me know. 


	4. Home for Christmas

Abby sighed slamming her pile of charts down on the desk. What was it about Christmas Eve that seemed to give an open invitation for everyone to phone in sick. They were 4 nurses down and the agency staff were only allowed to work triage. Which meant that she was left to assist in trauma after trauma despite Susan's constant nagging that she should be taking it easy. 

Abby was aware that Luka knew and last week she'd had to tell Kerry when she called her up on running off mid triage thanks to the pleasures of morning sickness. Running her hand over her slightly swollen stomach she realised it wouldn't be long before everyone knew. 

However the one person she wanted to share the news with was halfway around the world completely unaware of the news that would greet him on his return. 

"Penny for them" Luka asked.

"I was just counting down the hours till my shift finished … is it me or is that clock going backwards" she observed turning towards him. 

"That bad?"

"Yeah I'm exhausted already and it's Susan's party tonight" 

"You're going?" he asked. 

"Could you imagine the hell Susan would give me if I didn't" she joked. 

"True, she blackmailed me into going" 

"How … dare I ask?" Abby said with a sly smile. 

"Funny" Luka said chuckling to himself before going outside to wait for the impeding trauma. Abby pulled on a yellow plastic gown and followed him. 

***

"That's me finished for today" Abby said clocking out. 

"You still going straight to mine" Susan asked following her to the lounge. 

"Yeah otherwise I'll probably fall asleep and miss it"

"I'll just get my keys for you I've got another two hours to go yet" she sighed, opening her locker and handing Abby a set of keys.

"Bagpuss?" she observed looking at the bright, fluffy key ring. 

"It was a present from Susie" 

"Ahh so I'll see you later, anything you want me to get ready?" Abby checked. 

"I did everything last night" 

"I'll see you in a few hours then" Abby said leaving the lounge. 

After grabbing a quick break Susan headed towards the nurses station to find Luka and double check he was definitely coming. 

"Hey" she greeted sneaking up behind him as he took a chart from the stack. 

"Hi" he whispered, now more than ever his thick accent sent shivers down her spine, she'd always found herself drawn to it before but now it was something more than just liking it because it was different. 

"You still coming tonight?" 

"Of course" he grinned then leaning in so only she could hear he whispered "I'm on a promise"

Susan was just about to reply when her focus shifted to the lone man making his way towards the lounge, she noted immediately that there was something different in the way he carried himself, he looked almost … smug. 

"I don't believe it" she almost shrieked. 

"What?" Luka asked worried that maybe he'd got the wrong end of the stick about her earlier promise and had somehow overstepped the line. After all it had only been 4 weeks since their first date. 

"Look" she said drawing his attention to where the subject of her surprise stood deep in conversation with Weaver. 

"Carter" Luka confirmed "I didn't know he was coming back"

"You and everyone else … well if they knew no one has said anything" she added. 

"He's coming this way … act normal" Susan ordered much to Luka's amusement.

"Susan" Carter greeted in a friendly voice. 

"Carter" she returned in a not so friendly voice. 

"It's good to see you" he offered attempting to break the ice, he knew coming back wouldn't be easy but he hadn't expected such an icy reception from Susan … she was one of his oldest friends. 

"You too" she tried to sound sincere but she was still so angry with him for disappearing for 3 three months and then there was the cold hearted way in which he ended things with Abby "I'd love to stay and talk but I have a party to get ready for"

"Weaver said you were throwing the Christmas party again this year" he said looking slightly hurt. 

"You know me any excuse for a party" she said discreetly kicking Luka in the ankle in a silent plea for back up. 

"Sounds like it's going to be a great night" 

"Why don't you come" Luka asked him completely oblivious of the death stare Susan was sending his way. 

"I ..I don't know if that's such a good idea" Carter admitted. 

Starting to feel slightly guilty reluctantly Susan smiled her approval "Why not, what better way to let everyone know you're back"

"Well if your sure"

"I am" she said from behind a fake smile. 

"Well I'll see you tonight" he smiled and with that he was gone. 

"Can you cover for me" Susan asked Luka once Carter was out of ear shot. 

"I thought everything was ready?" Luka asked somewhat confused. 

"It is … but I really should warn Abby, it hasn't exactly been an easy pregnancy what with the absent father and sever morning sickness, the last thing she needs is Carter turning up tonight without warning" she explained. 

"Sure I'll see you at the party"

"Thanks … and I haven't forgotten the promise I made" she whispered leaning in. 

***

"Abby?" Susan called out as she entered her decorated flat. 

Entering the lounge she soon discovered why Abby hadn't picked up the phone, she was fast asleep on the sofa. 

"Abby" she tried again this time shaking her shoulder. 

"No need to shout" Abby yawned slightly cranky from being woken up. 

"Sorry" Susan smiled. 

"You're home early" she observed checking her watch. 

"Yeah I thought I better warn you … Carter's back, and thanks to Luka's penchant for putting his foot in his mouth he's coming tonight" she admitted. 

Abby knew it was bound to happen sometime but she thought she'd had more time to prepare than 2 hours. 

"Timing never was his thing" was all she could manage to say as her hand drifted to the growing bump under her sweater. 

"You going to be alright with this?" Susan asked concerned for her friend.

"Yeah … I mean I'm not going to able to hide it for much longer and I think he has a right to know before the rest of Chicago" she said sitting up. 

***

The party was in full swing everyone had turned up surprisingly early considering how hectic County was when Susan had left. Completely oblivious to the celebration around her Susan noticed that Abby's nervous glance had been fixed on the door the whole time. 

"He might decide not to come" she said sitting down next to her. 

"I wasn't watching" 

"Yeah right" Susan chuckled. 

"It's just …" but she never got a chance to finish as the doorbell interrupted their conversation. 

"Carter" Luka greeted causing Abby's head to snap round so fast that the room was still spinning when she realised that Carter wasn't alone, but was accompanied by a mystery dark haired woman. 

A nervous looking Luka lead the pair towards where Susan and Abby were sitting. Avoiding eye contact with Abby Carter fixed his gaze on Susan "Sorry we're late"

"You haven't missed much" Susan said through gritted teeth concerned for the woman sitting beside her. 

"Megan this is Luka, Susan and Abby friends from County" he said in reply to Luka's questioning gaze. 

Abby didn't need to hear the next part because she had already spotted the ring that sat proudly on the strangers engagement finger. 

"This is Megan my fiancé … we met in Africa …" but neither Susan or Abby heard the rest of his explanation. Abby was trying to fight the nauseous feeling that had overcome her as carter confirmed her suspicions and Susan's concerned gaze was fixed on Abby as she watched her friends face pale at Carter's shock announcement. 

He really knew how to twist the knife in. 


	5. Not so friendly welcome

Susan recognised the familiar position. She was once again kneeling on her bathroom floor rubbing comforting circles on Abby's back as she threw up in the toilet. She could hear Luka outside, trying to reassure Carter that everything was ok and Abby was just fighting a stomach bug. She could also hear Megan trying to get Carter to tell her what was going on. She'd only said two words to the woman but her whining voice immediately annoyed Susan not to mention the fact that although she had no idea, she was the reason Abby couldn't stop throwing up. 

"I'll be back in a minute try and relax" she instructed her distraught friend. This was the last thing Abby needed, she'd been all set to tell Carter then he drops this bombshell. Sending Abby's world into a tailspin once again. 

Opening the door just enough so she could get out but no one could see in Susan closed the door behind her. 

"Luka can I talk to you for a moment" she said pulling him away from Carter and Megan. 

"Sure" he smiled "Why don't you go back and say hi to everyone it's been months since you've seen them" 

"Ok … are you sure everything's ok?" Carter asked yet again, still not convinced by Luka's explanation of why Abby bolted for the toilet minutes after his arrival with a worried looking Susan hot on her heels. 

"It's fine … like I said just a bug going round" 

Luka watched Megan practically drag Carter towards the living room chatting excitedly about how she couldn't wait to break the news to everyone else. 

"I really don't like her" Susan said watching the two retreating forms. 

"You hardly know her" Luka argued attempting to be the voice of reason. 

"And I don't want to know her either … besides I'm Abby's best friend it's my job to hate her"

"Women" Luka chuckled, catching a glimpse of the closed bathroom door his expression turned to a worried frown "How is she"

Sighing Susan pulled him into her bedroom just to make definitely sure they were alone "She's in a right state … she's got herself so worked up after seeing Carter like that. Not to mention his surprise bit of news that she can't quit throwing up"

"It's the last thing she needs" Luka sighed as if he was reading Susan's mind "Especially considering she's 16 weeks pregnant"

"I know I think one of us should take her to the hospital, you know just to be on the safe side. Her back and stomach are hurting from all the heaving plus I think she's dehydrated from all the throwing up … It's better to be safe than sorry right?"

"Yeah, I think it would be better if you took her though. She'll probably be more comfortable with you than me" Luka reasoned. 

"Probably but I can't leave I'm the hostess people will get suspicious, plus you have you're car"

"Ok. I'll get my keys" Luka answered in agreement knowing she was right, people were already beginning to put the pieces together anyway.

"I'll go and see if I calm her down a bit"

Quietly opening the door to the darkly lit bathroom so she didn't startle Abby, Susan once again knelt down beside her friend. Abby was no longer hunched over the toilet but instead leant against the bath both emotionally and physically exhausted. Susan realised that the hard panel on the side of the bath was probably the only thing keeping her upright. 

"You ok" she asked although she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

"Not really" Abby mumbled her eyes still closed. 

"At least you're not throwing up anymore" she observed attempting to reassure Abby. 

"Yeah" 

"Listen, Luka's going to take you to the hospital just to be on the safe side, you're probably dehydrated from all the throwing up … I would come with you instead but it would look a bit suspicious if I left when it's my party"

"Ok" Abby breathed completely worn out. She was so tired of everything and angry at herself for being naïve as to think things would settle down once Carter returned "Thanks"

"Hey it's no problem, you just look after yourself ok? and I'll drop by yours or the hospital, as soon as I can get rid of the masses without causing alarm"

Susan was surprised that Abby had agreed to go to the hospital with Luka so easily, she had expected at least some resistance. But then again being pregnant had changed a lot of things. Abby's priorities had shifted almost immediately. She went to an AA meeting every other morning, either rang or met up with her sponsor once a week, had quit smoking and given up caffeine. 

A soft knocking on the door broke Susan from her silent reverie. 

"Who is it?" she asked. 

"Luka"

Opening the door the light from the hall illuminated the bathroom more allowing Susan to see just how pale Abby looked. 

"It might be easier to phone OB see if you can take her straight up there, gossip spreads too fast in the ER"

"Sure … you ok to stand up" he asked in a low voice leaning down so he was eye to eye with Abby. 

Abby nodded taking the help offered to her by Susan "I'm sorry about all this" she whispered as Luka put his arm around her waist to help her. 

"Don't worry about … I'll see you later" Susan said putting Abby's coat over her shoulders as Luka led her out the door. 

Closing the door she was immediately met by a confused and unless she was mistaken jealous looking Carter. 

"From the way it looked earlier I would have guessed it was you and Luka that had got together while I was away, not Abby and Luka" Carter told Susan either choosing to ignore or not seeing the anger that flushed across her face. 

"Yeah well looks can be deceiving" she practically spat at him "Now if you don't mind I have a party to get to"

Carter grabbed hold of Susan's shoulder so she had no choice but to stay and talk to him "Do you have a problem with me?" he asked "It's just that in the short time I've been here and earlier at County you've been really …. Cold"

"Gee I don't know Carter, maybe it has something to do with the fact that you swan off for three months, dump my best friend … a woman you claimed to love by fax and then waltz in here after three months and parade your fiancé in front of her with a total disregard for her feelings" Susan didn't mean to attack him like that but she really didn't recognise him anymore. 

"Look you have no idea what went on between Abby and I … I don't know what she's told you but I wasn't the only one in the blame" he defended "And Megan well it's not like I planned to get engaged in Africa"

"**No** you're wrong Carter, you're the one that has no idea" Susan told him pulling him towards the spare room so they could continue arguing in private "You have no idea what Abby's been going through since you left, and if you cared about her like you claimed to just 4 months ago, you wouldn't have just announced your engagement like you did"

"I didn't think" he sighed as Susan's words hit home. 

"No … you didn't" Susan agreed she wasn't about to become a part of his pity party when he'd brought most of it upon himself.

"Look you're one of my oldest friends I don't want to fall out with you and I certainly didn't plan to hurt Abby but…" he trailed off not really having an explanation for her. Running his hands through his hair with an exasperated sigh he began speaking again "I start back at County in 4 weeks, can't you at least try and see things from my point of view?" he pleaded. 

"Well welcome back Carter … but don't expect me to be singing in the trauma rooms about it. You know I thought I knew you but I really don't recognise you anymore" she said getting up and leaving Carter alone in the spare room to contemplate what she'd said. 

*** 

The rest of the party was ruined for Susan. Carter and Megan's shock announcement got a somewhat deflated congratulations from everyone else. Except those who didn't know Carter and the history between him and Abby. Even Chen. Who made no secret about the fact she didn't really like Abby, and who was one of Carters closest friends looked perplexed.

Susan however wasn't paying that much attention she was too worried about Abby and too busy avoiding Megan who had made it her mission to become Susan's new best friend. 

"Susan isn't it?" she asked approaching her yet again. 

Susan was about to reply with yet another excuse when she was saved from having to make one up by the ringing of her mobile phone. 

"Susan" she answered. 

"It's Luka" came the voice on the other end. 

"Excuse me, I need to take this in private" she told Megan as she made her way towards the front door so she could speak outside where it was quieter. 

"Hey … sorry about that" she sighed "How is she?" she asked. 

" The baby's fine but like you guessed Abby's dehydrated so there giving her IV fluids and they're going to keep her in for 12 hours just to be sure, she's sleeping now"

"Thank God" she smiled letting out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding until now "I'll be there as soon as I can … and Luka, thanks"

"No problem" he replied. 

Susan made her way back inside she couldn't believe how things had gone from bad to worse so quickly. She didn't want to fall out with Carter but his insensitive attitude towards Abby was inexcusable. She knew things hadn't been great between them towards the end but there was no need for him to throw the fact he'd moved on her face like he had tonight. 

Then there was the fact that Abby was carrying his baby. He was engaged to be married with no idea that in 5 months time he was going to be a father. 


	6. Black and white revelation

Susan followed Abby along the river. She'd tried to persuade her to go straight home but Abby was determined to go for a walk, clear her head with or without Susan's company. Since she'd woken up 4 hours ago after fighting back some of the strength Carter's shock news had taken from her Abby had refused to talk about him or the fact he was now engaged. 

Too Susan it seemed that the fact she was carrying his child had been forgotten by Abby some time during the drama and turmoil of last night. The truth however was the complete opposite. Abby could think of nothing else but the fact the father of her unborn child was engaged to marry someone else. He had pledged his life to another woman. Sometimes soon he was going to promise to love her till death us so do part and Abby felt helpless to do anything about it. 

She knew she should tell him, after all he had a right a to know but somewhere deep inside she was still that insecure 7 year old that just wanted to be held. She wanted him to chose her not because she was carrying his child but because he wanted her. 

"He has a right to know" Susan spoke first breaking the uncomfortable silence between the two as she sat down on the bench next to Abby. 

Abby heard what she said and knew it was right but she didn't have the strength to discuss it right now, instead she let her mind wander back to another time she sat here a time that seemed like a lifetime ago now "You know this is where we were sat when he first told me he wanted to be more than just friends" 

Susan didn't speak instead she remained silent giving Abby the space she needed to continue. 

"A part of me wanted it then too, but I was with Luka at the time … if you can call it that. I know now that Luka and I were never really together we were just two people who were lost and trying to find the way, but trying to find it all the wrong places"

She could see the pain in Abby's face as she paused trying to collect herself, still she remained silent. Because she knew that if she spoke now Abby wouldn't say what it was she was trying to say. 

"But you and Luka that's right you've found that something that everyone's looking for … that one moment when you know that this is right. You don't even know it's there at least not until you've found it but it is. I had that with John. When we were together in those few small moments that everything was going right I knew I'd found that one thing I'd been looking for all along"

Susan watched as Abby fought back the tears, trying to compose herself. 

"I just didn't want to believe that it was really over but now I have to, if I'm going to be the mother this child deserves I have to let go. He's got his life … and it's time I tried to find mine without him"

"But has he?" Susan asked knowing now was her time to speak "He could have only know her for all of 3 months if that"

"But he's going to marry her" Abby argued not wanting to allow herself to hope, if she didn't hope any more that way it couldn't hurt more than it already did. 

"Yes, but is it her he's in love with or the fact she has nothing to do with what he was running away from" Susan looked to Abby unsure of whether or not to continue, deciding she had nothing to lose she began to speak again "Only months ago it was you he wanted to marry, he wanted to marry you so much he hired out a restaurant and planned to ask you with a ring that meant so much to both him and his family … doesn't that tell you something?"

When Abby didn't speak Susan answered her own question. 

"It tells me that he thought about it for a long time and wanted it more than anything, Megan's not wearing that ring, it's probably one he bought, one that doesn't mean anything to him. That tells me that he's still holding onto that ring hoping that one day he can give it to **you**" 

"I wish I could believe that, but right now it really doesn't seem that he thinks a lot about me. He didn't even think I deserved to be told in private that he was marrying someone else" Abby sighed. She didn't see a point in fighting for him any more. 

"He's happy and given time I'm sure I'll be happy for him"

"But you're carrying his child"

"It's **my** child" Abby said standing up from the bench "And right now that's all that matters"

Susan wanted to follow her plead with her but she knew that right now Abby needed to be alone. It could wait, wait until Abby had time to think things through properly. A hard time from her best thing was that last thing she needed right now. Hopefully in time things would work themselves out. 

***

"… and that hostess didn't even seem to notice her guests where there" she added finishing off her rant about last nights festivities. 

"It's Christmas surely there's more important things to do than moan about last night" Carter argued. His life with Megan was something he wanted to keep separate from work. But she'd pleaded with him for them to go to that party together. He knew it was a bad idea but she had this way of making him agree to whatever it was she wanted. 

He hadn't expected Abby's reaction to his news to be welcoming but at the same time he hadn't expected it to make her physically sick. Luka's stomach bug explanation didn't feel right, he'd believed it at the time because he was looking for an easy way out of the situation. But now he had the distinct feeling there was something else … something they weren't telling him. 

Then there was the image of Luka and Abby leaving together. His arm around her waist. He'd tried to move on, he wanted to love Megan and hoped that in time he could learn to love her but the minute he saw Luka and Abby so close together jealousy tore threw him. He wanted to shout that it should be his arms around her waist not Luka's. 

He'd tried to tell himself it didn't matter that Abby was just another ex-girlfriend like Rena, Elaine etc. It didn't work though because try as he might to deny it, he knew she was more than that, she was the one. The one he wanted to be promising forever too. 

"Earth to Carter" Megan sung waving a hand in front of his face. 

"Sorry I was miles away" he explained. 

"Dreaming about our luxurious honeymoon I hope" she asked. Megan was the polar opposite of Abby. He'd hoped that by throwing himself into a relationship with her it would show him how wrong he and Abby were for each other. All it did though was highlight the fact that he'd grown. Being with Abby had changed him. He no longer wanted all the things in a relationship he used too. All he wanted now was Abby and that was the one person he felt he could never have. 

"Something like that" he finally answered. 

"Talking of honeymoons, well honeymoon, wedding, same thing really" she began "The vicar has confirmed the date …April the 12th"

"So that's it then we're getting married" he hadn't expected it to be so soon be but once again she'd managed to talk him into doing things when and where she wanted. He'd hoped that he'd have time to move on from Abby. But the truth was now they were apart he loved her more than ever. So much that he wished he was having this conversation with her and not Megan. 

"Yeah … this time next year I'll be Mrs Carter" she sighed laying back down onto the pillows. 

Suddenly it hit Carter he had to explain to Abby, apologise. The least he could do was try and salvage their friendship. A friendship that meant more to him than anything else. 

"Megan I know it's Christmas but there's something I have to do" he explained. 

"What? … it' not like you have to work"

"I know but I have to sort something out. I won't be long" he didn't even give her a chance to argue, he was already hastily searching for something to wear. 

Once dressed he said a quick goodbye and prayed his car would work after sitting idle for so long. 

***

Arriving back at her apartment Abby immediately changed it something more comfortable, throwing on some pyjama bottoms and Carter's Northwestern sweatshirt that he'd left behind she grabbed the throw from the her bed and wrapped it round her. 

Susan had promised to explain to Weaver why she wouldn't be in today. She'd wanted to go in but Coburn had made her promise to take a week off. She hated having nothing to do because when she was busy she didn't have time to think about the state of her personal life. 

Flipping through the channels she finally settled on watching 'It's a wonderful life' not that she was actually taking an interest in what was going on. Her mind was too busy trying to sort through the confusion that had become her life. 

She needed to regain control, even though she was doing everything she could to prepare herself for mother hood, quitting smoking, AA meetings, speaking to her sponsor on a regular basis last night was proof that she still needed a stronger control over her life if she was going to get through this pregnancy … alone. 

She knew Susan would be there for her and for that she was grateful but it wasn't the same. She wanted to be arguing about names with Carter. She wanted to hear him complain about her mood swings or late night cravings. But it wasn't to be. 

It was just her luck though that he wanted it with Megan. At least she thought he did. 

*** 

Carter wasn't sure how long he had been stood outside her door. 5 minutes … 10 minutes, an hour. He just couldn't work up the courage to knock. He could hear the muffled sound of the TV on the other side of the door reassuring him she was in. 

Taking a deep breath he started to knock. It shouldn't be this hard. A part of him hated himself for the extra strain he'd put on their already ailing friendship. He wanted her back, he wanted to be able to feel comfortable in her presence and at ease like only she could make him feel. 

The sound of the chain being pulled back as Abby opened the door startled him out of his quiet reveries. When she pulled back the door he was startled at how pale she looked in contrast to the dark throw wrapped around her. 

"Hey" he almost whispered. 

"What do you want" she practically spat at him. 

"I need to talk to you" he explained. 

"I've got nothing to say to you" and with that she went to slam the door but was stopped by Carter's foot. 

"Please Abby … I don't want to think that after everything we can't even be friends. I need to explain and apologise for telling you like that, in front of everyone"

"5 minutes" she agreed making her way back to the couch leaving him to let himself in and close the door. 

The uncomfortable silence was more than Abby could take, she wanted more than anything to make it disappear. A part of her wanted to tell him everything. That she was having his baby. She wanted to tell him that she was in love with him and wanted them to be a family but her pride was blocking the way. 

Carter on the other hand was trying to find the right words to explain, he hadn't thought past actually getting in the door. And what little he had prepared to say suddenly didn't seem enough when he realised just how much he'd hurt her. Her startlingly pale complexion was a stark contrast to the darkness and hurt expression in her eyes. A hurt that he'd caused. 

He finally settled on "Are you ok? You don't look too well"

Abby saw red "Like you'd care" she accused. 

"Of course I care" he tried to reassure her "I didn't mean for things to turn out like this"

"Yeah well they have" was all she could say. 

Carter was about to reply when something on the coffee table caught his attention. It was a black and white picture … a sonogram picture. 

"What's this?" he asked studying it. His first guess that it belonged to someone else was proved wrong when he spotted the name Lockhart in the top left hand corner. 

"You tell me you're the doctor" she didn't want to be cold with him but it was the only way she felt she could protect herself from more heartache. 

"You're pregnant" it was more of a statement than a question. A statement that sent Carter's world into a tailspin of both fear and hope. Fear that he'd lost her for good to someone else and hope that there was still something between them. A gift of the love they'd shared. 


	7. Now What?

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be! 

A/N: Sorry for the long gap in between updates. 

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"You're pregnant" he found himself repeating the words again. Just to check he wasn't dreaming. 

"Yeah" Abby mumbled, not knowing what else there was to say. She hadn't expected him to find out like this. She'd hoped to be prepared for when she eventually told him. 

"Is it mine?" there was the question, the one he'd been hoping he wouldn't have to ask. 

"Yes" again she replied the only way she knew how, short and straight to the point. 

"How?"

"I always thought it was only on TV that doctors actually asked that" she joked trying to lighten the tense situation. 

"Abby" the tone of his voice told her that he wasn't in the mood for sarcasm. 

"How do you think" she was going to leave it at that, but something told her that he deserved more of an explanation "It was just before you left, I didn't find out till after you'd gone … I was going to tell you when you came back. Then I met Megan and, I …I didn't know what to do. I was going to tell you honestly, I just didn't want to ruin your new life"

"I'm sorry" was all he could say. 

"For what" she'd been so mad with him before now, for leaving, for telling her about Megan the way he had. Now though all she could see was the man she fell in love with standing in front of her confused and vulnerable. 

"For leaving"

"You didn't know I was pregnant, hell I didn't even know then" 

"What do you want from me?" The minute the words left his mouth he regretted it. He hadn't meant it to sound like that. 

"Don't worry Carter I'm not out to bleed the foundation dry or ruin your perfect life with the new girlfriend" now she was angry again, it was like she was sharing the room with two different Carter's. The one she fell in love with and one she didn't even recognise. 

"Abby .."

"Please just go" she couldn't deal with this right now, she was exhausted and had to get ready for an AA meeting. Christmas was a big enough temptation already without the added stress of her situation. 

"We need to talk" Carter pleaded. 

"I've got nothing to say to you" 

"You're carrying my child" he didn't want to make things any worse than he already had but he couldn't leave things as they were either. 

"It's my child, and right now I just want you to leave" she told him. 

"I have rights" Carter kicked himself, he was trying to make things better between them not worse. But every time he opened his mouth he seemed to say the wrong thing. 

"What about my rights" Abby whispered, she tried to blame the emotion in her voice on her hormones, but she knew it wasn't that. He was the only man that she'd ever let close enough to have the power to hurt her like this. 

"Abby please …" 

"No you don't get it do you? You walked out on me, you're the one that figured we weren't worth fighting for, you can't just walk back in and expect me to forgive you because were having a baby together" she wanted to forgive him but at the moment she couldn't get past the hurt he'd caused. 

"I made a mistake, but please don't shut me out" he was desperate to make her try and see things from his point of view. 

"I can't deal with this right now, please just go, go back to your new fiancé" she told him trying not to cry. 

"You expect me just to go home and forget this" he asked her holding up the sonogram picture "This is my child … our child I can't just walk away from that"

"But when it was just me you had no trouble walking away" she reminded him. 

"Things are different now" he knew they were just going round in circles. 

"I know. You're engaged! I'm not going to keep your child away from you but I just can't be around you at the moment. Please try and understood"

Suddenly he was aware of just how much he'd hurt her when he'd left for Africa. So much had been going on in his life that he hadn't stopped to think of the damage it would cause to not just their relationship but their friendship as well. Even though he'd been the one to break it up with the letter he'd only done it because he thought at that moment it was the right thing to do. 

"I'm going but you can't shut me out forever" he said turning to leave. 

"John .." she called after him, she wanted to tell him to stay but the words wouldn't come out "The sonogram picture" was all she could say. 

Looking down at his hand he realised he was still holding it "Can I keep it?" he asked. 

She felt her throat tighten. She could hear the pain in his voice. She didn't want to shut him out but being around him at the moment was too painful. All she could do was nod. 

"Thank you" his voice was sincere. Abby watched him leave. As hard as it had been she couldn't help but feel relieved that at least now he knew. 

***

Sitting in his car with the sonogram picture held in his hand he pulled out his phone. 

"When were you going to tell me" he asked as Susan answered her phone. 

"And 'hello' to you too" she sighed "tell you what?"

"About the baby"

"She told you?" Susan sounded surprised. 

"She didn't have much choice. I went to speak to her and saw the sonogram picture" he explained. 

"I'm relieved" Susan told him honestly "I might not be your biggest fan but you deserved to know. 

What are you going to do now?" she asked. 

"I don't know I mean … God everything's such a mess, she can't even stand to be in the same room as me" he admitted. 

"You have to give her time, the letter you sent really hurt her. More than she'd admit. Plus it hasn't been the easiest of pregnancies so far" Susan explained. 

"What do you mean?" he asked suddenly aware that he hadn't even thought to ask Abby the obvious questions like how far along she was and how everything was going, 

"The morning sickness has been really getting her down, it's 24/7" she began "and last night at the party, well you've probably already worked out it wasn't a bug, she got herself into such a state she couldn't stop throwing up. Luka had to take her to the hospital she was so dehydrated"

"I've made such a mess of things" Susan could tell by his strained voice that he was on the verge of tears "What am I going to tell Megan?"

"I can't tell you that but in 5 months you're going to be a father. You have to figure out what you want" 

"Thanks" was all he could say as he finished the call. 

Susan was right he had to work out what he wanted. He couldn't believe that everything he'd ever wanted was so close, Abby and his child. It didn't matter how close they were though Abby had made it obvious she didn't want to be with him. Now all he had to do was work out where to go from here.


	8. Parental support

Walking into the living room Carter was shocked to find his mother and Megan partaking in an animated conversation on one of the sofas. He'd expected at least an hour long lecture from her about how Megan wasn't good enough for him and he could do so much better. But his mother seemed to be thoroughly enjoying her company. Either that or she was a great actress. 

His dad however was sat on the opposite side of the room seemingly oblivious to the presence of everyone else, his gazed focused outside on the expansive gardens that surrounded the house. 

"John" Megan exclaimed as she spotted her fiancé. 

"Sorry I took so long" he apologised hoping she wouldn't ask where he'd been. He was still having a hard time making sense of everything himself, without having to explain the complicated situation to someone else. He knew he'd have to tell Megan at some point, she deserved to know but for now it could wait. 

"Don't worry about it" she told him, her willingness to make the most of any situation was what first thing that attracted him to Megan. He'd been giving immunisations in Kinasha when she arrived with a truck of clothes and toys along with two other volunteers. From the minute she stepped out of the truck till the minute she left later to take the leftover clothes to another village she never stopped smiling. Despite the depressing situation in the village. 

"I was just getting to know my future mother in law" she told him. He half expected his mother to grimace and let him know she didn't approve in her own way. Instead she just smiled and carried on flicking through the photo album she'd obviously been showing Megan. 

"I'll leave you two to it" he said "I'll be over here if you need me" he informed them motioning towards where his dad was seated. 

"Let's take a walk" his dad instructed him just as he was about to sit down. 

"It's below zero out there" Carter observed. 

"Well we'll wear coats" that was his dad's way of telling him it was not a matter to be discussed. 

"Fine" Carter relented following his dad to the patio area outside. 

"Now … what's going on?" Jack said once he was sure they were alone. 

"What do you mean" Carter was genuinely confused. Normally it was his mother who gave him the third degree. 

"I came back to find not only have you broken up with Abigail but that you're engaged to someone else. If I thought it's what you wanted I'd be only to willing to offer my congratulations. But it's not is it?" it was a more of a statement than a question. 

"You've been here all of 5 minutes and you're already jumping to conclusions about my personal life. What gives you the right" he wasn't really angry with his father. He'd just rather forget about his complicated life for today. 

"Because believe it or not I care about you. If this was what you wanted you wouldn't be walking around like you'd just been given the death sentence"

Carter sighed almost defeated his dad was right, this wasn't what he wanted, but he felt trapped. Abby had made it perfectly clear he had no part in her life despite the fact she was carrying his child. So he had to make it work with Megan or he'd have nothing. 

"I thought so … you still love her don't you?" Jack asked following his son to the patio chairs. 

"I thought I could move on and maybe in time learn to love Megan" Carter began to try and explain "I mean she's everything I thought I was looking for devoted, positive and caring but …"

"She's not Abby" his dad finished for him. 

"No" it was then that he decided to tell his dad everything "Seeing Abby again last night brought it all back, what we had and how it will be impossible for me to love Megan while I'm still in love with her. And it gets more complicated than that" Carter said turning to face him so he could see his reaction "Abby's having my baby"

"Wow" was all Jack could say "Congratulations"

From his son's pained expression he wasn't so sure of congratulations was in order or not "Then why do you look like some who just lost both his limbs instead of someone who is going to be a father?"

"Because it's everything I want and I can't have it" Carter explained. 

"You've lost me somewhere" Jack said not following. 

"It's made me realise that the only future I want is with Abby. And now she's having my child I know I want it all, with her. But she doesn't want it with me. I walked out on her and gave up on us. I hurt her so much she can't even bear to be around me" 

"It'll take time but if it's what you want surely it's worth fighting for" Jack told his son. 

"I know that .."

"Then what are you doing marrying Megan. I'm sure she's a lovely person but it's not fair on her and it isn't fair on you" Jack sighed "You have to take the risk and fight for Abby if you don't you'll end up with nothing but if you do … well you could end up with everything you've ever wanted"

"How do I tell her, she's so excited" Carter asked. He didn't want to hurt Megan but he had to try and fight for Abby. For his child. Even though he could end up with nothing, his dad was right it was worth the risk, Abby was worth the risk. 

"You just have to be honest John. It's all you can do"

***

"Hello" Abby said as she managed to answer the phone before whoever it was gave up. Not even bothering to take her coat off she made her way to the sofa. She was both mentally and physically exhausted but she didn't want to slip back into old habits so no matter how tired she was she had made a promise to herself and her unborn child that when things got tough she would either ring her sponsor or attend an AA meeting.

She'd never understood before how working the steps helped but ever since she found out she was pregnant they'd given her a strength to take each challenge and control it, instead of letting it control her. 

"Mum .. Yeah I just got in … listen I'm really glad you called, yeah I'm fine" she stopped for a minute realising it was now or never "Actually I'm not doing too great everything's kind of a mess, I was wondering if maybe I could come and stay with you for a week or so"

Abby listened to Maggie's soft words of concern and her admittance that although she had never been the greatest mother she had her life on track now and was there for Abby whenever she needed her. She hated admitting to people that she needed them but she was going to be a mother herself in 5 months. Maybe it was time she laid her own ghosts to rest so she could concentrate on the future instead of letting her own fear and insecurities keep her stuck in the past. 

"I'm going to drive down, hopefully it'll give me time to think, tomorrow hopefully I just have a few things to sort out here first. I'll ring you just before I leave … I'm looking forward to it as well" and for the first time in many years she actually meant it "Bye Mum"

Abby let out a contented sight. Hopefully the time away from Chicago would give her a chance to sort out what she was going to about the situation with Carter. More than that though she hoped that with her mum on her meds it would allow them to even the balance out. Allow Maggie to be the mother, luckily for Abby Maggie was in a place where she could be there for her daughter when she needed it most. 

***

Susan was exhausted, she hated working Christmas day. Patient after patient who had eaten too much or got far too into the Christmas spirit and drunk too much was the order of the day. She was glad to finally be out of the hospital as she wrapped her scarf around her and headed for the electric doors. 

"You're meant to be resting" she said as she spotted Abby sitting on the bench "doctors orders remember?" 

"And I'm going to I just needed to sort something out" she explained as Susan sat down beside her "I've decided to go away for a while. I've just been to clear it with Weaver"

"Where? And how long is 'a while'" 

"I'm going to stay with my mum" noticing Susan's surprised look she started explaining "She's been on her meds for 3 years now. That's longer than I can ever remember her staying on them before. For once when I actually need her she's in a position to help me. For so long I've tried to fight the fact that sometimes the reason I get so angry with her is because I need her and I'm terrified she's going to let me down again. I'm going to be a mother myself and before that happens I need to forgive her because as much as I've tried to convince myself otherwise I need her in my life"

"I understand why you have to go just don't stay too long … I'll miss you" Susan admitted. 

"I won't … besides if you think you're getting out of being my birthing partner that easily" Abby said causing Susan to look up from the floor with a goofy grin on her face. 

"Really? You want me to be your birthing partner"

"Yeah I was going to ask you last night but what with .." Abby trailed off "Besides you're an old hand at it" she joked. 

"I'd be honoured and you had better call me. I want daily updates"

"Of course" she agreed as she spotted Luka walking towards them "Besides I want all the dirt, just because I'm not here it doesn't mean I won't be pestering you for gossip" 

"I'll ring you when I get there" Abby said getting up off the bench as Luka approached. 

"Take care ok?" Susan called after her. Too which Abby simply replied with a smile. Susan couldn't help but hope that maybe things would work out ok for both Carter and Abby … However complicated things were at the moment. 

______

A/N: No matter how many times I read through it there always seems to be mistakes. However being rather new to the world of fan fiction I have no idea where to find someone willing to beta. If anyone is interested please e-mail me (address is in my profile) it would be greatly appreciated. 


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